the oblivion crisis
the
Oblivion Crisis; which some still call the Great Anguish
was originally a total war between the Brewers and Associated Distillers
and the population of tiny Magna Carta
purple nosed Parish Councillor Joe Green VII spoke vehemently
in voluble yet oddly grating tones
warning against the rise of beer worshipping cults
as all of his known heirs were poisoned by its happy liquor
yet shortly afterward as if by curt happenstance
the old 37 bus route to that realm of the Fenlands
mysteriously reopened perhaps due to a government subsidy
'who knows' is as mysterious as the shrug of the fog that permeates the fens
but its blue and yellow double-deckered bus route ran boxlike across Magna Carta
and out from its cubic tap poured the friends of beer
Brewers and Associated Distillers ... the result ..
a fantastical and hop fragrant Mythical Dawn
in the Great Advent Devastation that was soon, suddenly and inexorably to follow
vomit, hooliganism and casualties resulting from mass lack of coordination
were felt as its tremor shuddered the very foundations of entire parish
many of the old sheds on the green horizon were destroyed[citation needed]
even in the industrial area of the nearby ancient towns of Bronwytch[Maga and Miner]
a wall entirely collapsed and the sad ivy it supported
trailed dangerously across the asphalt pathway like coiled vipers of rope
awaiting the unwary pensioner
the colony of Magna Carta and its environs was near collapse
but Councillor Joe Green VII's illegitimate son
Martin Joe Almost-Green ended the incursion with the help of the
Watery and Mysterious Hero though the personal cost was extensive
Martin, the last of the Joe Green bloodline
sacrificed himself upon the stainless steel gardening fork
belonging to the village allotments
to become a Landscape Gardening Avatar and
vowed to cast beer back into oblivion
glowing with civic pride as so he did
and it was thus that this glowing event
marked the end of the First Village Idiom of modern times
Major Battles
The Rumble of the ancient town of Miner Bronwytch , 1983
Cellar doors are opened in Magna Carta
not far from and just outside the ancient hamlet of Miner Bronwytch
from which a suited and tied horde of Brewers and Associated Distillers
and a huge effluent lorry emerge
the contents of which spill out due to an unfortunate
miss-spelling on the health and safety certificate detailing its disposal
to overwhelm the guard and overrun the entire parish
much of the population was drowened
in the Lowlands tsunami that ensued in a most ghastly and posthumous way
and the rest overpowered by its smell
or fatally burnt in the subsequent methane explosion
including Count d'Orsay and Margaret Blessington
in a most compromising position[citation needed]
and so life fell to abandon
and then the rich brewers moved stealthily in
sensing the despair left by the wake of slurry
they closed the parish church and billeted a sign upon the door
of the ancient Temperance Tower above the moot hall
forbidding trespassers and footlers on 'payne of death .. or worse'
and so overpowered by the liquefactic forces many new and sinister inns
on the parish boundary arise their black devilment and laughter and ribald music
ringing through the night riding out like jocular apocalyptic cavaliers
paying no heed to the ancient bylaws relating to decibel level
nor were any music royalties collected and much copyright issues ensued
so it happened that those simple people left their boring homesteads
in which their forbears lived and died
left them like moths a going, flittering zombies of the lamp
left their ancient relics and their memories in droves
so rooms unremembered within the cobwebbed caves of houses derelict
excepting only the odd small hamlet of modern terrace housing
in tenantable condition near the Ruins of the Garden Centre
but
the forces of good council battled back
hastily erecting somewhat unsightly but manful
concrete bollards blocking the high street
possibly to stop the incursion of thieving gypsies and slovenly travellers
but unknown the them the high street is eventually closed to shopping
by an Unknown Hero !!!
the Hero
he scours the flat landscape and notices by dusk
a small group of allotmenteers
working with elementary hoes and spades
because unforeseen by all .. the disasters have made the land incredibly fertile
even the roof of the village hall is abundant with new flora
such is the vigour of the compost
and the Watery and Mysterious Hero
delivers a resounding speech with one foot through an old collapsed orange box
intended as a pedestal
he gestures and flails about the importance of recycling
and then leads the small army of Hero Gardeners
excited, armed with simple implements of the earth
to retake the village
they sack the remaining Brewers and lock them up temporarily
without any toilet facilities in the Temperance tower
before banishing them and their wet underpants to the Isle of Somerset
the bastion of all magical learning
[before the Open University was built in far away Milton Keynes]
a mystical place where the formerly invading Brewers and Associated Distillers
despite the efforts of the powerful Alkene Hydroboration legal team
are to be counselled in the lore of apple culture and orchard maintenance
Battle of Maga Bronwytch 1983.
Martin Joe Almost-Green led an army of reformed football hooligans
to victory over the invading Brewery hoards
a large bronze cast art work of a football boot kicking a bottle was commissioned
and despite the fact it was difficult to tell exactly what it was
the art object was installed with much ceremony to the bemusement of some mystified guests
from Bronwytch's twin town in sunny Majorca
installed somwhere within the village's ill defined boundary
in honor of the Sole Gardener who charged into both 'The Kings Head' and 'The Gardeners Arms'
in order to shut the Great Cellar Door and shout 'last orders' well before time
which many think saved the then formative hamlet of Miner Bronwytch
from certain destruction
Battle of Norwytch City, 1983
Vice parish councillor Fred Carter, Martin Joe Almost-Green
his mace bearers and town criers
and their imperious but rather filthy escorts
fought their way through an
brewery sieged Norwytch City
during this battle
dozens of onlookers hid in shop doorways as the protagonists ran from pub to pub
hurling abuse at hop based products
and throwing small quantities of animal waste products into hostelries
around the City whilst the antagonist burst their used inflated crisp packets
hurling shards of chip and salted noise upon the much abused air
and even though the head of the Brewers Association ..
the beer-headed bearded Froth Prince
led a legal team and alcoholics clutching crushed aluminium cans
they were eventually over powered
in truth mostly by sleep resulting from an excess of potato, heavily saturated fats, and too much drink
followed by a lot of loud mouthed and vulgar posturing
either way it marked the beginning of the end of the Ale Wars
the fall of the Barristers between Oblivion and the Law
being seen as the turning point
the battle effectively ended when Martin Joe Almost-Green
in a desperate last ditch show of bravado
shattered the stainless steel gardening fork with his efforts
became impaled upon its plangent prongs
and thus became the Avatar of Landscape Gardening
banishing beer back into Oblivion and so ending the great anguish
but sadly marking the beginning of the Great Farmers Thirst
a special stone monument was commissioned
allegedly showing of Martin defeating the Barristers of the Brewery
and was installed with much ceremony to the bemusement of some mystified guests
from Norwytch City's twin in sunny Majorca
and although it is difficult to tell by way of looking
exactly what the art installation is
it serves as a permanent reminder of Martin's ultimate sacrifice